I’d Like to Buy a Vowel, or some Fruit {body shapes}

This weekend, I attempted to go jeans shopping. I read an awesome Together in Ten post about wearing skinny jeans. Since my only pair of skinny jeans (really, they are skinny cords) are a size 14, and I now need an 8/10 {woohoo!}, I thought this was a perfect excuse to start my New Year’s goal early: buy things that look great on me, while spending a bit more money than I normally would. Yes, you read that correctly. I want to spend more money. I tend to buy clothes for myself that originally cost a lot, but are marked down 75-95% off. Basically, I shop the clearance desert racks and try to find the best deal. This is great when you are shopping for babies and toddlers. Adelaide can wear last season’s leggings next year for just pennies on the dollar. {Honestly, her baby thighs look adorable in everything.} But, when this Mama only shops the clearance, I end up with a hodgepodge of stuff that resembles a high school theater dressing room. I will be 30 in a few months, so my goal is to buy clothes that actually look great (not mediocre or even good) on me. I understand the sad truth for this clearance queen: I will be spending more money.  I would rather have a few key pieces, than a closet full of stuff that fits other people. This is what I keep telling myself, but I still need to actually clear everything out. I need to commit.

Off to the store!  I tried on several pairs of skinny jeans. I shouldn’t have even attempted to go jeans shopping with two littles on a Saturday in December. I texted several pics to my friend, Rachael, only to get “negatives” on my choices. I was not looking like the other mommies in their skinny jeans. I wasn’t comparing myself to them…just making the observation that their jean choices looked fantastic, while my pants looked like I had stolen them from someone else. They didn’t look right. The jeans were too short, or too tight, or too baggy, or too dark. I wasn’t going to buy something at 55% off if it didn’t look amazing. I left empty-handed. I also left to the cries of an outraged 30 something year old woman (who I suspected had no children) shouting, “You need to control your kids!” Adelaide was cooing and Graham was loudly talking to everyone he saw. So, when Graham spotted a very elderly woman, he took it upon his 3-year-old self to offer her some advice, bellowing, “Lady. You old. You go home and sleep.” He wasn’t trying to be rude. She was old. She looked tired. I just kept walking. It was a tough time for everyone. Except the old lady. She giggled. (I would bet good money she once had a strong-willed, energetic toddler!)

I loaded everyone and their stuff into the van, and made this my Facebook status:

‎”Mama, just wear NO jeans. You handsomer in none pants.” Gave up on jeans shopping. With two kids. On a Saturday. In December. Taking Graham’s advice and just going pantless from here on out…”

And then this:

On a serious note, how does a person dress when your bottom half resembles an upside-down Hershey kiss and nothing looks good? It doesn’t really matter, but I would like to get up one morning, get dressed, and not think, “These clothes just don’t look right.” Am I alone in this? I can’t find clothes to fit my fruit, or shape, or letter, or whatever they use, because I don’t fit a category. I am going to make a new category: rectangle sitting atop an inverted cone. Dress that.

Obviously, I was discouraged. I have not felt very beautiful lately. Partly because I am so weary from raising a strong-willed toddler and a baby with special needs. Mostly, because my hormones are out of control right now. I had a baby 12 months ago, and breastfeed, so I will leave you to figure out what has recently started happening again with my body. On Adelaide’s birthday. Yuck. Anyway, I realized I needed an action plan. After some measurements and a lot of time looking at myself, um, naked in the mirror, I think I finally figured out my shape. I think I am an apple. Some people call it an O. Either way, I am round in the middle.

 

I used to be more of an hourglass…back in the good ole college days. Two c-sections and a nursing reserve have really turned me into an apple. I have a large bust (thank you, breastfeeding), great muscular calves, broad shoulders, floppy arms, a very flat butt, and I carry all my extra weight in my chin middle.

So, I decided to dress like an apple should dress. I figured Adelaide’s birthday party would be the best time to try out some tips I found all over the internet. I wore some bootcut jeans, great heels to balance out my middle, a flowy top that didn’t accentuate my waist, covered up my arms with a ¾ sleeve cardigan, and threw on a huge Park Lane braceletI was ready in 6 minutes. I put on some makeup in the car, and tried to fluff my wet hair with my fingers. I wanted to spend more time getting ready for the party, but there were too many last minute things to finish. I still loved the way I looked. It was the first time in a long time.

bday1

bday2

bday3

bday4

 

Since we think we will have more children, and I don’t think my body will return to my college days anytime soon, I am going to embrace my apple-ness…apple-osity?…and do a closet makeover. Skinny jeans may not look so great on me now, but I am sure I can find some jeans that work for my new shape. And I hope I can find them at least 55% off.

Do you have issues dressing your shape? I would love to hear it in the comments!

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11 thoughts on “I’d Like to Buy a Vowel, or some Fruit {body shapes}

  1. Toni says:

    I’ve always had issues! I guess I am an hourglass shape (an over-sized hourglass) but an hourglass just the same. If jeans fit my hips they were way too big in the waist. A few years ago some store started carrying Right Fit Jeans. They are designed with three different shapes: straight, moderately curvy and curvy. The curvy ones have been perfect for me! My problem is they have quit making my favorite ones but I have found some on Ebay.

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  2. Courtney says:

    Those high heels WERE fabulous.

    My nemesis is jeans as well. My legs are a perfect 35 inches apparently. Regular length looks like I’m ready for a flood, longs get all torn up on the bottom. I also have, how to put this delicately?, a ridiculously high reaching seperation betwix my buttocks. I can’t do low rise because of this and finding midrise waist without the dreaded “mom butt” is near impossible. I also hate to spend a lot of money on my clothes too, so I have the same dilemma as you.

    I like to think that somewhere, way out there, is a beautiful and luxurious pair of denim waiting patiently for me. I’m waiting for you too, sweet jeans. Call me.

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  3. Julie says:

    I feel your pain, and love your idea of getting and paying for key wardrobe pieces. I suggest getting a pair or two (a light and a dark) or really quality jeans. I know they are crazy expensive, but try then on at the store to find out which style and size work for you and shop eBay if you have to. You can find them at half price there and often times they are barely worn… Or better yet, find a friend your size that you like their style and shop their closet :).

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