Five Minute Friday {Beautiful}

I have already written a post about Adelaide’s beauty. It was a toughie to write, but I have gone back to read it time and time again. I know she is beautiful.

My own beauty is another story. I don’t think I am ugly. I am too smart to think that. I know that I am beautiful in God’s eyes. I just haven’t felt it lately. With my first pregnancy, I saw myself as gorgeous most of the time. I was gaining weight and embracing that my larger arms and even larger muffin top were getting ready for an exciting breastfeeding journey. I was happy knowing I had the adequate ‘7 pounds of nursing reserve’ I kept reading about in all those books, magazines, BabyCenter posts, and random blogs. {Because you read so much with your first pregnancy. Not exactly a luxury you get the second and third time around.} I was still wearing eye liner. And cute shoes. I took weekly photos of my growing belly and new-to-me wardrobe.

Four years later, I have remembered to take a few pictures of myself. In the exact same clothes. And I have deleted almost all of them. Because I think I look bad. And old. I am just as excited to be having this unexpected blessing, but my face doesn’t seem to show it. My expression just looks weary. Like I am too busy focusing on practical things and keeping our ship afloat and training up these other children in the way they should go to remember that I own pretty earrings. And I hate that.

But I had a dream this week. It was my first non-scary dream this pregnancy. I had a dream that I was at my own surprise baby shower. {Since I haven’t had a baby shower since I was pregnant with Graham, this dream was euphoric.} And I was surrounded by candy and cupcakes and huge bows and Kenneth Branagh was there…as a guest, not as the father. And I was beautiful. Stunningly beautiful. Thin. Hair from a magazine. One of Kate Middleton’s maternity dresses. And I was all baby. Then, I awoke to realize there were no treats. Kenneth Branagh had not left the filming of Wallander to attend. And I was just regular me again. I am 30. I should be able to say, “I am comfortable in my obviously pregnant skin.” But I confess that I just can’t say that today. Could be the hormones or the stress of being a special needs mama or the lack of sleep this week, but none of the above change that I heard, “You are so beautiful pregnant!” several times a week with Graham, while this time around I just keep hearing, “Pretty soon you are going to have your hands full!”

Time’s Up!

Five Minute Friday

Linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker for Five Minute Friday. Unscripted. Unedited. Real.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Be generous and leave an encouraging comment for the person who linked up before you. That’s the best part about this community.

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4 thoughts on “Five Minute Friday {Beautiful}

  1. Oh my darling! THANK YOU for your transparency and honest heart. Oh it was a refreshing splash of cool water. Our feelings are fleeting. His Word is true. Trust in His promises. Repeat them to yourself if you need to. If you need to have a pity party, fine. Just don’t decorate and hire a band. :) Go eat ice cream. Put chocolate syrup on it. Take a few pics of your middle kid by themselves (you’ll thank me later) and then deeply breathe in some cleansing breaths of relief. God takes your good moments with your bad. He takes you joyfully whether you feel pretty or not. Forget beautiful…you haven’t felt that way in a while. BUT HE SEES YOU THAT WAY EVERY DAY. Rub that tummy. Praise His Name. You will get through this. You. will. Thanks again. Carry on, Mama. Love, love.

    • Lyndse says:

      Thank you, Caroline, for all the sweet words and encouragement! I appreciate it so much. By the way, our middle child gets lots of photos…because she is just so photogenic! And it is the only way I can chronicle all her milestones for her doctors and therapists. If I didn’t take a photo of her holding a spoon for the first time, well, my pregnancy brain would be lost without those time stamps. ; )
      Have a blessed week and thanks for stopping by,
      Lyndse

  2. Oh sweet Lyndse, you are beautiful. Your soul bared here for all to see that you are full of these real fears and emotions that we all go through, that is beautiful. We are the same age, though I have not had the honor of being pregnant yet… but I know these thoughts and feelings well. I pray that you will find that inner peace and comfort quickly.

    Stopping by from FMF, so glad I did!

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