Dear Cashier {aka I didn’t mean to lie to you…}

“How are you, Ma’am?”

“My penis hurts if I grab it!”

My son’s answer is not what you are expecting. I’m sorry. He is obsessed with penises. You should be glad he is not asking you why you don’t have one.

I am not purposefully ignoring you. My daughter is screaming. My son is yelling crazy questions at people. And asking when he is going to get a cookie for being good. He hasn’t been good, but he was far from horrible. You don’t know how he can be. This little girl is really the reason we are leaving. With nothing crossed off our list. Why is she screaming so much? I can’t even tell you the answer.  Maybe she is tired of trying to sit up? She is still new to sitting in carts. Maybe the strap is bothering her? I won’t even try to explain polymicrogyria and hypotonia to you. You are just trying to do your job. I am just trying to watch the register as my few items go across the scanner. Did that ring up the right price? I can’t even remember what the tag said. We moved through that aisle so quickly. We are leaving without anything from our list. I should have answered you by now. I am thinking about how I used more in gas than I have saved in coupons. A binder full and I hand you three. I am thinking about how I may not have remembered to grab my purse from the van.

“I’m fine, thanks. How are you?”

I am not fine. I just lied to you. I didn’t plan on lying to you, Target Cashier. It just happened. You are young and fresh-eyed and full of life at the beginning of your shift. Please forgive me.

“I am great, thanks for asking!” You are so perky it is adorable. Don’t lose that as Christmas approaches and people think it is okay to belittle you and blame you for everything.

“No Target deal is more important than a baby.” Wow, this woman behind me is a jewel. Such life-giving words. As she rolls her eyes about me to her husband. I hope she is nicer to you. I won’t hold my breath.

I found my purse. I don’t have enough cash. I am searching through my purse for 26 cents. I have that in the van, but we are not in the van. You are so patient as I dig. Where is all my change? Now I remember that the boy-child stole it all for his piggy bank. It’s actually a cow bank. Don’t ask.

“I need to use this card for the rest.”

“Wow. She just used a card for a quarter.” Who is this lady? Is her organic granola purchase about to cure cancer?

“Ma’am, please have a good day and try not to cry. You have cute kids.”

You are the sweetest cashier I have ever met. And I didn’t even realize my eyes were wet until now.

“Why is she trying to shop with two kids? This is ridiculous.” I am going to say something to our neighbor in line. But all that comes out is a laugh. Because I remember a meme…

target meme

Target without kids. Now that would be a dream come true…but so would typo-free memes. Neither one is ever going to happen.

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