I am not good at friendship. I am actually amazed that I even have friends. My friends are unbelievably patient. I receive cards, letters, messages, texts, and calls asking how they can help. I am not good at saying ‘yes’ to help. I know there are people out there who need the help more than I need it. There are medically fragile children whose moms are barely making it today. There are moms who need meals and clean laundry and a break. I guess I am that mom in my circle, but I don’t like it. I don’t like being the one who is seen as weak. Incompetent. I want to be helping them during their trials and times of struggle. Their hardships are for a season, but mine just go on and on. I know that accepting help from a friend won’t end here. It’s not like I will be back on my feet soon. I am always tired. Always behind in everything. Always feeling like I am not doing enough. So, a little break here and there doesn’t really do much, except remind me that I am in a boat I never imagined I would be co-captaining. I have been convicted of these things lately. The fact is this: I am keeping people from blessing me. I am not allowing my friends to use their talents and show their love in tangible ways. I have read several things about friendship lately, and I realized I am no good at friendship.
I texted a friend and asked her to watch Graham while we went to Adelaide’s appointment. I knew it was going to be a rough afternoon. Adelaide was being fitted for her first pair of AFO braces. We are hoping and praying that a 27-month-old little girl will learn to stand with help. Normally, I would just pack up all three kids and get it done. I would do it on my own. But, today, I asked for help. I allowed a friend, who has offered dozens…possibly hundreds…of times, to actually bless me. I dropped Graham off and went to the appointment with only two of my children. As I drove away, I was already thinking that I had done the wrong thing. I was inconveniencing her. I was the mom who couldn’t handle three kids.
I am willing to change, but I don’t actually know how to do it. I don’t want to look back and realize I lost friendships because I was too prideful to say ‘yes’ and allow someone to do something for me. David and Jonathan had a truly remarkable friendship. I have yet to know what that is like, because I won’t even allow someone to give me a cloak. I just run off to a cave and try to figure it out myself. Or, I try to be everyone else’s Jonathan. Giving and doing. But for what reason? Am I afraid that I need to tip the scales, because I am so high maintenance? I don’t even like to offer prayer requests to my close circle of friends, because it seems like a burden. I stopped sharing prayer requests with our LifeGroup. Someone wants us to pray for her friend who is sick. Oh, and now it’s time for Lyndse to start crying as she tells us Adelaide is having seizures. I don’t want to be ‘that family’ who never has a good old normal prayer request.
I am willing. And I have been praying that God would show me how to say ‘yes’ to my friends. And to be a better friend in return.
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