Your child now hates ‘all da movies’ and hates ‘all da toys’ and even hates ‘zucchini cuz IT JUST PWETENDING TO BE A CUCUMBER!’ Just grab that tiny box of grape Nerds and take the whole thing like a little shot while pretending to look for something in the spice cabinet.
And don’t think about how you had a sinus infection for 3 months when you were pregnant with him, because you weren’t willing to chance anything with antibiotics that trimester. And how you vomited every 45 minutes during your pregnancy with him, and still taught more than 150 young people a day. Because you can’t compare your ability to do laundry, dishes, breastfeed, and pay bills during a stomach flu or upper respiratory infection or common cold or *recovering from someone cutting through five layers of your abdomen to pull out a small human* to his cold. Snot trumps all.
And apparently a throat tickle results in his inability to pee into a toilet. So take some Laffy Taffy to the laundry room. Because sick-five-year-old urine is unmatched in its potency. But fake banana candy can make an attempt to mask any scent.
And remember that your acts of love will backfire. The dvd you checked out from the library during a winter weather advisory? It skips. And it’s all your fault. And how dare you even think that a rat chef was a good idea in the first place.
Don’t even try to remind him that rubbing his nose causes it to hurt more. He will Hulk Smash your entire germ-covered couch with his tissue-covered hands. Go check the mail with a green Everlasting Gobstopper.
No matter what, do not make eye contact. This is an invitation for shouting and he may start ‘cwying and can’t never stop’…and it is somehow all your doing.
Remember to snuggle sans communication. Your voice is annoying to him when he is sick. Unless he wants you to tell him a story. Then you had best think up an original screenplay before his adamantium claws come out.
Be ready to listen to every complaint about the house’s temperature, but do not offer solutions. He is cold, but won’t wear clothes? Oh well. Common sense is gone and only irrational sobbing is an accepted reaction. From both of you.
When you think that you just can’t take anymore, go silently into the Christmas stocking stash and find a Starburst that can accompany you back to the laundry room where you restart the dryer and empty the lint filter and enjoy 25 seconds of not being ‘da hurr-iblest mama in da world!’
But be sure to take a sip of coffee after each candy. Because he can smell sugar on your breath like a mom waiting up for her high school senior who missed curfew and you will be chastised for not sharing your dairy-free gluten-free holiday booty, even though he has more chocolate reindeer than a Russell Stover outlet.
When both your strong-willed kids and the one with the disabilities all come down with colds, it’s time to break out the hard stuff. No one is judging you for sneaking into the bathroom with a theater box of Skittles. The struggle is real. Keep your chin up, Mama.
And remember to stuff the candy wrappers deep into the trashcan…