The first Five Minute Friday of 2015.
Just raw, unedited, Lyndse thoughts. I set the timer for five minutes and just write.
Ready, set, go…
One of my fears is completely irrational. It is the fear that people look at me and think, “She doesn’t do enough. She is a failure.” I know it’s wrong. I know that people are so busy with their own lives that they don’t even think it. And if they did, well, they could drive over here and be me for a bit. I know that it’s all a lie. But the lie is so deep that it follows me throughout my day. In the past few years, it was embarrassing how many of my social media updates included loads of laundry and diapers changed and therapies completed and books read. Lists and lists. I wasn’t bragging. But I think I was secretly hitting publish and whispering in my soul, “There. Now they’ll know I do enough. I try really hard. Everything feels like it’s falling apart, but I am chugging along and crossing things off a list. And they can see it.” There are many reasons why I fear rejection, even from acquaintances or strangers. As a child, I was taught by someone I trusted that love was completely dependent upon me doing things. And if I didn’t do those things, then I was a bad girl who would hurt all the people around me and no one would love me. So achieving became the best way to get love. And approval. I forgot that I was already approved by God and learned that I had to earn love and approval from everyone but Him. Whether I have known you 30 years or 30 seconds, I want your approval. I want you to think I am good at achieving things. And when you are a stay-at-home mom to three littles, what you can achieve in often involves wiping poop from someone’s butt and starting a crockpot meal. So trying to achieve all.the.time and never wanting to be perceived as lacking often result in looking like a Bragasaurus online. It’s not my heart to look like I do more than any other mom. I have been accused of thinking I am a Supermom with a superiority complex. When, in reality, the opposite is true. I often posted those things at the exact moment that I felt like the worst mom. The mom who couldn’t get it together or keep it together. But I don’t need you to look at me and say, “Wow. Lyndse is a great mom/homemaker/human.” I am retraining my brain: the only approval we welcome is from God. And He already gave it. Clean clothes, clean bottoms, and clean eating are good things, but God has the very important to-do list that trumps mine. And it includes being clothed in His righteousness, being cleansed by His blood, and consuming His body and blood in Holy Communion. And resting in Him. Lots of resting.
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