Poor Candice/Kandace/Khandice. I don’t know how she spells her name. I don’t know anything about her. But I came completely unglued on her. I had to apologize and ask for forgiveness. I was in tears. She actually laughed. It was a nervous laugh. She said she couldn’t possibly understand my frustration from all those bills being incorrectly handled. But I went off on a customer service rep who hadn’t caused the problem and couldn’t fix it. Didn’t fix it. Her manager’s manager still hasn’t called me back. After two hours of dealing with medical bill issues, I was a mess. And this is the reality. People will say things like, “You are such an awesome mom!” But I know all the time I spend parking my kids in front of television while I battle it out with a billing department, throwing Honey Nut Cheerios on their trays, doesn’t make me anything exceptional. An exceptional mom would’ve kept her voice calm, realizing that yelling at some random person was disrespectful. Downright horrible. A supermom would’ve made snack first. No, I’m not an awesome mom just because some genes are messed up and we are always dealing with a medical bill. I didn’t sign up for this like some sort of martyr mom. I just fell into this. And I fall into it every day. I beg God to help me. Most days, I feel alone in it. I know I’m not…it’s just how I feel. I’m not any better at this mom business than anyone else. Some days I get it more right than others. My house is messy all the time. My kids don’t like to wear pants. A YouTube video taught my kids the colors of the rainbow while I was writing a blogpost to help pay for more of Adelaide’s gear that isn’t covered by insurance. Awesome moms get up before their kids and spend time preparing themselves for the day. I wake up when my 20-month-old wakes up. And I look around me and think, “What is going on with my life?” I never get Adelaide’s ‘checklist’ for the day finished. I don’t think a team of professionals could do what I am supposed to be doing everyday. But I know moms who do get it all done for their kids with special needs. And they run businesses and get senate bills passed in their states and make PTO gifts. And I am over here wearing Dave’s pajama pants and having no idea where to even start at being a better mom. I am at a loss. I know some of you will read this and think I am being too hard on myself. Others will completely relate to feeling like you are the only one at prom without a date. This motherhood gig is hard. And I feel like everyone around me is doing a better job while I wash the same pee sheets day after day after day. And I wonder if Candice/Kandace/Khandice is going home to her own pile of pee sheets and dinner and squeezing everything into her evening while thinking about the stressed out mom who blows up at people who are just trying to do their jobs. Maybe she feels just as alone as I do.
When You Yell At The Lady On The Phone