How To Never Offend Anyone Ever

how to never offend

The Conundrum Of Being A Mom On Social Media:

If you post positive things about motherhood, some people accuse you of bragging or not understanding the struggles of being (or not being) a mom.

If you post negative things about motherhood, some people accuse you of not cherishing your children or understanding the struggles of people still waiting on children.

So, what is a mom supposed to do?

Just follow these simple steps to write a social media post that cannot possibly offend anyone!

Five Easy Steps:

1. Choose your content carefully. Find something between “World’s Youngest Astronaut” and “World’s Slowest Pottytrainer”…balance is key to making everyone happy. And be careful with mediocre announcements. Everyone else can post their meals three times a day, but your post about your kid enjoying sidewalk chalk is sure to ruffle some feathers.

2. Don’t address fellow moms or draw attention to the fact that you are a mom. For some reason, this angers people. Be sure to include that your post is relevant to moms, dads, grandparents, third cousins, and even stray dogs. Everyone should feel special all the time. A very important social media rule.

3. Remember to explicitly say that your children are a blessing you don’t deserve. If you forget this key element, you will receive many private messages from complete strangers about all the people who can’t/don’t have children. You can’t just think you are lucky to be a mom, you need to broadcast it on a daily basis. But maybe not everyday, because some people find that insensitive.

4.  NEVER mention that chores need to be done. This only invites what are known as MomGuilt Memes. A paradoxical saying about how you should spend more time making messes and less time cleaning messes. A picture of a young boy with a caption about how he is going to leave you someday and you will wish you had all those dirty underwear back. And the oh-so-famous poem about leaving all your cobwebs, because babies don’t keep. It’s just best not to post that you have 9 and a half loads of dirty laundry.

5. Add hashtags. This is your opportunity to make sure everyone knows you are grateful for your children, not a bragger, too blessed to be stressed, and not needing an intervention at the next Mom’s Meet Up.

Let’s Try It Out:

Reality:
Your three-year-old just threw up at Target, so you had to leave without laundry detergent.

What You Wanted To Post:
Of course my kid would vomit all over my new pants. In Target. #ThatIsNotWhippedCreamInMyLatte #MommyNeedsASpaDay #PleaseDoNotVomitInTheVan #MomLife

Non-offensive Social Media Post:
Folks, so grateful my little guy will be feeling better soon. Threw up at Target, so we couldn’t buy something we needed. But he is so much more important than anything I could ever buy. And grateful, because lots of kids are in hospitals right now. And I’m not complaining about my new pants being covered in vomit, because I’m so blessed to be a mom. The vomit laundry isn’t even an issue. #HavingKidsIsAwesome #LuckyToBeAMom #LookingUpRecipesForHomemadeLaundryDetergent

Let’s try again…

Reality:
Your five-year-old just received an award for reading at a 3rd grade level. She was the only one.

What You Wanted To Post:
MY GIRL ROCKS!!! Just got an award for reading like a boss! I’m the proudest mom ever! Being a mom is awesome!!!! #KinderButOnThirdGradeLevel #MyKidIsAmazing #ThankGodForMyAwesomeKid

Non-offensive Social Media Post:
So many great kids, parents, grandparents, and teachers at the school assembly! So thankful my kid got an award, but everyone is such a good reader. Yay for all the kids learning! They should all have awards! God blessed me with this kid. But life isn’t just about having kids. Right? #BlessedToBeAParent #ReadingIsFundamental #AllSchoolChoicesAreValid

I hope these tips help you stop offending fellow social media users. Walking on eggshells isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and being an authentic person is highly overrated. It just takes practice to make sure your social media posts about your children are pleasing to everyone.

Next in our series:
How To Feed Your Children The Food That Everyone Thinks They Should Be Eating

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One thought on “How To Never Offend Anyone Ever

  1. Vickie Stanton says:

    Darn I am offended because you have clearly made no effort to offend me. Am I not worthy of your offensive attention? #waitingtobeoffendedoverwith #notreally

    Like

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