When You Always Feel Pregnant

Fact: I have never actually been pregnant when I thought I was pregnant. Never.

Some women say they “just know” and “can sense it” and “feel” pregnant.

I felt pregnant about 15 times before I was actually pregnant with Graham. So many symptoms. Dave would see me buying a pregnancy test and he would laugh. “Why? You always think you’re pregnant, but you’re never pregnant.” We weren’t even trying. I just had that feeling…which was always wrong.

When we decided to start our family, I only took the test because I was supposed to take it that day. I didn’t feel pregnant. I felt fat, sick, and exhausted. (Which, ironically, ended up being pregnancy. Plus belly band pants. All those magazines had lied to me.)

I skipped the glowing part and vomited every 45 minutes for 16 weeks. But somehow gained weight. Lots of it. Just imagine addition and subtraction working against you everyday, and you get Lyndse Pregnancy Math. Vomited all nine months with Bess. Yet gained the most with her. It’s like a horrible carnival trick.

After Graham was born, I took tests all the time. I was always feeling pregnant. Because I was nursing every hour and exhausted out of my mind. Headaches galore.

Then, I took a test when I felt bloaty, tired, and not pregnant at all. I should’ve known. Positive. I started showing 1 week later. And started getting jokes about twins within the month. Adelaide was born. I resumed taking tests all the time.

Fast-forward to Summer of 2012. I was convinced I was pregnant and the test was wrong. It had to be wrong. I was gaining weight, weary, and an emotional mess. Migraines. Other symptoms. You know them. I don’t need to elaborate. We did bloodwork. Not pregnant. But then the doctors were a bit concerned. After weeks of testing, it was determined that I was the mother of two small children, one with disabilities. My body was not dealing well with the stress. But not pregnant at all. Glad we spent the money to learn that crucial bit of information.

When I started to feel symptoms with Elizabeth, I immediately wrote them off. Because I had never been pregnant when I felt pregnant. I was not going to be embarrassed again. I wasn’t pregnant. It was just stress.

But Graham announced that I had a baby in my belly. A girl baby.

I told him I was still just losing weight from having his sister. For 12 straight days, Graham told me there was a baby in my belly. I finally took a test when I couldn’t fit into anything for our friends’ wedding. Graham was right. And I felt fat, tired, and emotional, but not pregnant. So, my record was in tact. Three pregnancies without that ‘knowing’ everyone talked about.

I’ve taken at least a dozen tests since Bess was born. Sent a ridiculous number of texts that say “I think I might be pregnant!” to my mom, sister, sissies-in-law, and close friends. But wrong every month.

Because I guess I forget…every single month…that my ‘pregnancy symptoms’ are actually just the result of sleep-deprivation, stress, and being a 32-year-old woman. Apparently, nausea and irritability and weight gain are just par for my current course. But isn’t forgetfulness a symptom? Maybe I should go buy a test…

Since I feel pregnant right now, I’m pinky promising myself that I won’t test. Even though Graham told me on the way to VBS that there is a baby growing in my belly. “No, sweetie, Mommy is not having another baby.” Graham is pretty obsessed with babies. “Mama, I know dese fings. Dere is a baby gwowing in yours belly. I don’t know if it’s a girl or a boy, but I know it’s in dere.” It’s just stress, weight gain, and lack of sleep. I keep repeating it. Because I refuse to look like a fool once more…I will not buy another pregnancy test.

Plus, I want to use that test money on something important. Like impulse-buy pistachios at the Aldi checkout.

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One thought on “When You Always Feel Pregnant

  1. […] couldn’t fit into any of my clothes for a Saturday wedding. So I jokingly took a Friday night test. And it was positive. We were shocked. And when I should’ve been thrilled, I immediately […]

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