I Need More Sidewalk Chalk

“Mama, why are you not happy?”

“Unhappy about what, Sweetie?”

“Everyfing, I fink. You are just sad all da time or you go huff and whisper to yours-self.”

  
It’s been a difficult few years. I didn’t think that I was letting it affect me that much, but I guess Graham is like those dogs who sense cancer. 

  
I am reevaluating a few things in my life. Not my marriage or my children or where we live. More like, “It’s time to get rid of all my scrapbook supplies since I haven’t scrapbooked in exactly seven years.” And I cut almost all added sugar last week, because I am gaining weight and can’t figure out why. And we’re not talking a small amount. I’m 75 pounds heavier than I was this time last year. 

But we just passed the one year anniversary of Bob dying. My only dad, who shared zero DNA with me yet loved me like his own. 

And we’re nearing the one year anniversary of my actual father going to prison. A man who sexually abused me for a decade. I worked with police and detectives and district attorneys and prosecuting attorneys to get a teensy bit of justice for what he stole during my childhood.

One month ago, we laid Laurence and Flannery to rest. Graham still talks about the twins everyday and now Bess is asking when she gets to be a big sister. I am reminded on a daily basis that I am a mom of five. 

Tomorrow marks three years since learning about Adelaide’s polymicrogyria. Her second sedated MRI at our Children’s Hospital showed us all her brain malformations. And even though we had known since the previous October that there were neurodisabilities, April 19th changed our lives. It was official. Adelaide was rare and unique and  undiagnosable and nobody could tell us what her future held. 

  
In the last 3 1/2 years, I’ve lost some happy. I’ve lost some joy. I didn’t realize it was so obvious, but I’ve slowly become a different mom. The grumpy one who gets caught up in all the mundane and feels hopeless. 

   
And I won’t do it. I refuse. Not just because my kids and husband and I deserve better, but because I know better. I know God will somehow redeem all this stuff. 

  
For now, I’m reevaluating what makes me happy. What gives me joy. And I’m not so sure that blogging is the right path. I won’t ever delete the last few years of painful revelations and joyful milestones, but I don’t think Writer Lyndse is in the cards right now. 

  
I’m taking a break. I have a guest writer scheduled for May, and then the blog will be silent for awhile. I don’t know for how long. Months, years, or if I’ll ever pick it back up again. The words will always be here, even if no new content is added. 

  
I don’t know what I’ll be doing. Maybe planting some trees. Or working on our house…we’ve owned it ten years and have been working on it since Day One. Maybe I’ll fill out the baby books. Or take up embroidery again. 

  
All I know is that I couldn’t answer  my son’s question. I don’t know why Mommy is unhappy right now, except that the last few years have had some not-so-fun things and maybe I focus too much on them here at Little House In The City. Or maybe I just need some more sunshine and less screen time. 

  
This week, I’m writing about where Laurence and Flannery are buried. And then I’m Spring Cleaning my bedroom and buying some hanging baskets for my front porch. Past that, I have no idea.

Lyndse XX

   

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4 thoughts on “I Need More Sidewalk Chalk

  1. jenz3977 says:

    Do whatever you need to xx

    Like

  2. Marjorie says:

    I am not sure if you will get this, because it has been so long since you blogged. I have read your blog for hours tonight. I’m not even sure how I got to it. You move me. I am in a bad spot right now myself, not like yours, but I feel your pain. I had 2 miscarriages, my first pregnancy then I thought I would never get pregnant again. And between my 2nd and 3rd children, when I thought I would never be truly happy again. But I was.

    I walked in your shoes through some of your posts, and was amazed and in awe of you in others. Wondered like you why no one read my blog, or at least it felt like no one read my blog because no one ever commented on it. Wonder now what the heck my life is really about. Is it just about constant struggle and overcoming obstacles or is it about smiling and laughing and living in the present regardless of the obstacles and if so why is that sometimes so hard?

    Reading your blog, you are my sister, even though you are about 4000 miles away from me and we have never met. Reading your blog I cheer you on, I believe in you, I hope for you, I pray for you, I laugh with you, I cry with you and I take your pain and my pain and all the pain of mothers who try so hard and still feel like there is no end and there was no beginning, there just is the latest sweet thing and the most recent scary crisis. What you write as what you live you write for all of us. Even those who have never read it. Your words are powerful beyond measure, your experience more fleeting than you realize and yet so much more intense than so many other more “normal” families, that I do not wonder that you have to put down the blog for a while and breathe.

    The beauty on your pages is more visible to the outsider perhaps, but please know that you have helped me in my journey, and I hope that you are encouraged and refreshed in yours. Thank you.

    Like

    • Lyndse says:

      Thank you for all your sweet words of encouragement and your transparency! Praying for you as you navigate all these emotions and circumstances. Hugs from Southwest Missouri, sweet friend. XX Lyndse

      Like

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