“Mama, why are you not happy?”
“Unhappy about what, Sweetie?”
“Everyfing, I fink. You are just sad all da time or you go huff and whisper to yours-self.”
I am reevaluating a few things in my life. Not my marriage or my children or where we live. More like, “It’s time to get rid of all my scrapbook supplies since I haven’t scrapbooked in exactly seven years.” And I cut almost all added sugar last week, because I am gaining weight and can’t figure out why. And we’re not talking a small amount. I’m 75 pounds heavier than I was this time last year.
But we just passed the one year anniversary of Bob dying. My only dad, who shared zero DNA with me yet loved me like his own.
And we’re nearing the one year anniversary of my actual father going to prison. A man who sexually abused me for a decade. I worked with police and detectives and district attorneys and prosecuting attorneys to get a teensy bit of justice for what he stole during my childhood.
One month ago, we laid Laurence and Flannery to rest. Graham still talks about the twins everyday and now Bess is asking when she gets to be a big sister. I am reminded on a daily basis that I am a mom of five.
Tomorrow marks three years since learning about Adelaide’s polymicrogyria. Her second sedated MRI at our Children’s Hospital showed us all her brain malformations. And even though we had known since the previous October that there were neurodisabilities, April 19th changed our lives. It was official. Adelaide was rare and unique and undiagnosable and nobody could tell us what her future held.
In the last 3 1/2 years, I’ve lost some happy. I’ve lost some joy. I didn’t realize it was so obvious, but I’ve slowly become a different mom. The grumpy one who gets caught up in all the mundane and feels hopeless.
For now, I’m reevaluating what makes me happy. What gives me joy. And I’m not so sure that blogging is the right path. I won’t ever delete the last few years of painful revelations and joyful milestones, but I don’t think Writer Lyndse is in the cards right now.
I’m taking a break. I have a guest writer scheduled for May, and then the blog will be silent for awhile. I don’t know for how long. Months, years, or if I’ll ever pick it back up again. The words will always be here, even if no new content is added.
I don’t know what I’ll be doing. Maybe planting some trees. Or working on our house…we’ve owned it ten years and have been working on it since Day One. Maybe I’ll fill out the baby books. Or take up embroidery again.
All I know is that I couldn’t answer my son’s question. I don’t know why Mommy is unhappy right now, except that the last few years have had some not-so-fun things and maybe I focus too much on them here at Little House In The City. Or maybe I just need some more sunshine and less screen time.