That Time I Prayed For The Earth To Swallow Me Whole

“Hey, Lyndse, are you free this weekend?” 

“Um, yes, I am.”

“Great! Wanna come to the concert? I need to be there early, but you can come find me when you get in.”

“Sure!”

A guy I had been crushing on (is that a phrase? I’m not good with youth speak…) walked into my workplace and asked me out. I was shocked. And I really didn’t date much, but he was gorgeous and I was surprised he knew my name. 

That weekend, I did my hair and makeup and wore the cutest shirt I owned. I stood in line, bought my ticket, and tried to find my date. 

I spotted him. As always, the cutest guy in the room. I walked over, smiled, and managed a nervous “So good to see you! Thanks for the invite!” And then a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman, who I suspected wasn’t from Earth, smiled a perfect smile and chimed in, “Didn’t he do a great job promoting this event? I think he invited more people than any of the bands did!” 

Then she kissed him. 

Like a Nicolas Sparks’ movie kiss. 

And it dawned on me that she was his girlfriend. 

I had not been asked on a date. I had been asked to attend a multi-artist concert and help sales by buying an overpriced ticket. 

“Yes, he did a great job! It was such a good plan to canvass the mall. That’s where he told me about it.”

I walked away, while they kissed some more, and debated leaving. I didn’t like any of the bands. I was alone. But I had spent my only fun money for the month on that ticket, so I sucked it up and supported my local “musicians” and their dreams. 

A guy I didn’t know walked up and asked if I wanted something to drink. I retorted, “Nope. I already spent all my money getting in. But your concession stand looks great.” Then he said, “I don’t work here, I was kinda asking you out. But I changed my mind.” A few minutes later, he was sipping an outrageously expensive coffee with a supermodel. 

That was the first of many moments when I realized I’m a Tina Fey in a world of Blake Livelys. 

I hadn’t thought of that night in almost a decade. At the time, it was horrific. Now, I’m just glad I didn’t contract mono. Obviously not from kissing, but because I was forced to use the drinking fountain in a place charging $3 for bottled water. 

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